Foodbanks? Fwah fwah, Doleys Should Just Spend less On Booze

In what I like to call a 'dick move' (stop me if I'm getting too technical), Liam Watson, Chairman of the West Oxfordshire Conservative Future* or, as I like to say, "Young Privileged Wankers Gang", made something of a booboo when he tweeted that Food banks are only needed because doleys spend all of their money getting pissed. His source? Apparently he sees doleys in his local pub. 

Let me explain something. I have been unemployed twice, both times after the companies I worked for went into administration. Living in a pretty bad city for employment, and with no money to move elsewhere, it took me 18 months to find work the first time, during which I was on Jobseeker's Allowance. Here's the thing. I don't drink much, and not at all unless it's bought for me when I have no money; I don't smoke; I don't do drugs. In fact, I don't really have any vices, and my main expenditure was having to pay extra for my rent (because I have my kids 3 nights a week, I technically don't count as having children, so I had to subsidise my housing benefit payments for having an extra bedroom), having to pay for the internet and mobile phone (which I needed for finding work and being available to answer in case an interview cropped up). yet, despite this, I still ended up in a position where I was sometimes having to choose whether to pay a water or electricity bill or buy food for the next month. I ended up having a prepaid electricity meter installed because of this, and it was only through the generosity of family members in taking me shopping from time to time, and my girlfriend letting me eat at her house every so often, that I didn't need to use a food bank. I massively appreciate what they did for me. 

To make matters even more hilarious in this comedy of arrogance, Wavey Dave Cameron defended himself in Prime Minister's Questions on the subject of food banks when Labour MP Dave Watts asked if he was afraid to go to a food bank to see the heartless Britain he was creating. He claimed that food banks were needed because of Labour, and there had been one in his constituency for 5 years.Turns out it was bollocks, as the food bank there is only just over a year old. OOPS. This is almost as good as the "When I was campaigning I met a black man once..." stuff from before the election. Good fact checking, Dave, nice to see that you know what's going on with the poor in your own constituency.

So, Liam, food banks are very much needed in this Britain that your idols have created. They are essential to even families who are working, because your chums love the idea of keeping people poor even in employment - maybe it reminds them of the good old days when they could just ride around the manor hanging peasants who worked every day just to stay alive. But then I suppose it's hard to see over the edge of privilege when you can't even drag your fat arse off the sofa of luxury.

* I do love it when stories like this break, because it reminds us all how noxious Young Conservatives are. We should all remember that this is what Conservatives actually think, before they learn to don the mask of acceptability and become electable. This is the detestable arrogant disdain with which they view poor people. Mark it well, reader, because that disdain lurks behind every face you see in the government. They just hide it better.

Why Tories Claim To Be About The Family yet Seem To Hate It

Whenever there is a Tory government, we get to hear lots of soundbites from ministers on the subject of 'the family' and how they are bending over backwards to be 'family-friendly', and yet anybody with functioning eyes and a working brain can see that the policies they enact seem to be wholly at odds with this claim. Let's take, for instance, the recent words of Michael Gove, the Secretary of State for Education, where he (somewhat arbitrarily) decided that children don't go to school enough, and announced that he would like to see shorter school holidays and longer school hours. Apparently this would be 'family-friendly'. What he really means is employer-friendly. 

You see, businesscunts have been getting on the governments case about this annoying problem that many of their workforce have; children. They make their workers late for work sometimes, and occasionally they take time off when one of them is sick, and they always want to take their holiday leave over summer and Easter and Xmas, and it is all damned inconvenient for business. That these laughable, sad fuckwits haven't quite worked out that children are actually the continuation of the human race rather than an annoyance along the lines of Athlete's Foot is bad enough; that they genuinely believe that their employees are mindless drones who exist to do nothing but serve is pretty fucking appalling; but the idea that Gove thinks that he is helping the family with these proposals requires Escher-esque mind-bending feats of cognitive dissonance that I just can't even start to understand. Or I couldn't, until it finally clicked with me that it is because our views on 'family' are radically different.

Most of us think of family as a place where your mum and dad, or mum or dad, or mums or dads bring you up and care for you and take you to the seaside every so often and play with your Lego with you, and feed you nice Sunday lunches, and put elastoplasts on your knee when you fall and kiss it better for you, and take you to school and pick you up, and tuck you in at night. For most of us, family is synonymous with love, however flawed the personalities of the people in those families might be. 

But our government is filled with public schoolboys from wealthy backgrounds. We have to remember that for them, family is a cold place, with nannies being paid to spoon feed you, whilst mother and father are too busy working or swanning off to one of the other houses for the weekend, to which you're not invited; where those remote parents pack you up and send you off to live in a school where you are subjected to some kind of horrific Lord of the Flies-esque social experiment that involves horrendous bullying, humiliation and ridicule, where you can't even escape from it at the end of the day and if you did ring home, whichever cold and remote parent answered would tell you it's nonsense and that you should just pull your socks up and get on with it. Meals are cooked by the help, and fed with all the warmth of a Siberian winter. So when people like Gove start talking about sending your children away for longer, and says that this is 'family friendly', to him it really is, because that's the way his chums in the cabinet see the family.

We should pity them, and if it weren't for the fact that they are trying to destroy our country with their policies, I would. As it is, I fucking hate the twisted, emotionally underdeveloped cunts.